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weeschooligan

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Puddle [Dec. 6th, 2005|09:54 pm]
weeschooligan
"Come here."
"Huh? Why?"
"Please, just come here."
"ok"
Embracing, "You're awesome."
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Swimming in circles [Nov. 16th, 2005|12:43 am]
weeschooligan
There is so much talk of change. Positive change. Life improvement.
But what does that really mean?
What is the measure of happiness, and how does that differ, if at all, from contentment?

I've seen some glimpses of real happiness in the recent past.
It's quite nice.

It's even nicer when it neatly coincides with someone else's.
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Quiet [Nov. 10th, 2005|11:23 am]
weeschooligan
My brain is strangely quiet. Instead of the constant anxious buzzing, there is more of a determined hum. I am feeling more in control and less hysterical about things. Especially things with PT. For the first time, I can understand and embrace the quiet hopefullness.
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Ephemeral [Nov. 6th, 2005|09:38 am]
weeschooligan
Yesterday morning, waking up wrapped in PT's arms, I was struck by an unfamiliar feeling: perfect contentment. I felt so happy and at ease that for a moment, I prayed to be struck dead, just so that I could die in a state of perfect bliss.

But these moments, like snapshots, although the mind can play them over and over and try to derive a certain amount of comfort from them, are fleeting. Mental pictures are not tangible, and they are easily corrupted by reality.
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In...and...out... [Nov. 1st, 2005|03:58 pm]
weeschooligan
How is it that I am completely fine one minute, sipping diet coke and cheerily trying to solve various office problems, and the next struggling to remember how to breathe?

I know, it is an in/out sort of thing, but I can't quite get it right.
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The nature of things [Nov. 1st, 2005|12:20 pm]
weeschooligan
Swinging back up from the weekend's downer. The brain defragmentation seemingly somewhat successful. People in the know say things like, Manic Depression is found quite frequently in artists, musicians, writers and people who are creative. It has even been said that this "disease"/"Brain Malfunction" enables them to create such beauty. I'd not only like to believe this, but I would like to put myself into the category of "The Creative", though most times all I can seem to create is chaos.
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Internal Rambling [Oct. 31st, 2005|10:26 am]
weeschooligan
Yesterday, while safely on a walk through the lovely New England Autumn, I kept my mouth shut and let my brain run away with all manner of destructive thoughts. I gave the robot free rein as long as it stayed INSIDE my head. Keepwalkingnoonelikesyoufatuglyuninterestingstupidclumsynoonewilleverloveyouyou arentworthityoucantdoanythingrightstupidruinseverythingcantdomathorspeakfrenchandyourthighsaretoobigjustkeepyourstupidmouthshutuselessloseruglyfatyouruineverythinggoodandyouactcrazyjustforattentionifyouwerentsuchafailureyouwouldnthavetoactlikethispeteyisnevergoingtoloveyounevergoingtoloveyouNEVERGOINGTOLOVEYOUkeepwalking....

At one point, I almost opened my mouth. I kept saying over and over in my head, Hey, you know what my problem is? I'm just not that interesting. And the words formed themselves on my tongue and I had to bite down hard in order to not say anything.

Not saying doesn't necessarily mean not believing.
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Hubris [Oct. 26th, 2005|08:39 am]
weeschooligan
There is this feeling of trepidation surrounding my apparent happiness. As though I am afraid to enjoy it to its fullest for fear that the gods strike me down as punishment for my pride.
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Quake [Oct. 24th, 2005|09:20 am]
weeschooligan
Right now, reality scares me so much that I can't stop shaking.

If I had to find a bright side, I would say that I know for certain what love really means.
But giving without expectation of equal return sometimes hurts like hell.
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Collapse [Oct. 11th, 2005|03:18 pm]
weeschooligan
I dropped everything.
It took a while, but I picked most of it up.
There are still some bits that need mending and a cloak of melancholy has settled itself somewhat heavily on my shoulders, but somehow the spark of hope inside my heart has reignited ever so slightly.
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